Rough and down… But I Survived

I have been experiencing the worst episode of feeling down that I knew I was building up to a depression stemming from burnout. Please do not get me wrong, my burnout came from every aspect of my life.

I love my job, it give me a sense of belonging just recently I have been doing too much and too many things at work that when I am home, I am drained. To make matters worst, I was busy due to my grandmother’s funeral and rushing of assignments, and bit by bit all these stressors in life just came creeping up on me.

Was I managing myself?

Yes I was and I was dealing with everything, extending myself to everyone and anyone during work, after work, to friends, loved ones, family all I did was give and give and till I could not give anymore.

Have you seen someone who was lack of sleep, go to work the next day full of energy, full of positivity? No? Then I guess you have not met me. I was very positive each day because I love my job.

But when depression hits, everything rocked bottom.

My mood flipped, I was frustrated and annoyed and I just did not want to do the side project anymore as I am swamped doing more than I should which I do wonder to what extent should I be doing?

On top of that, I hit a wall at home. I disagreed with my mom on a certain issue which pushed me off the cliff and I came crashing down.  I came crashing down so fast and hard that I knew at the moment I was depressed.

Before this final push, I was aware I am edging closer and closer to depression and I have tried ways to manage myself and my stress that I became socially isolated. I shared with my best friend that I was reminded to be strong and I am loved when I stared at my bowl of crystals on my office desk, honestly, I did felt alone and lonely as the whole world became small during that period. In that instant, I was reminded that I am not alone and I fight on till the point all I wanted to do was to catharsis but I was not able to.

For the whole week, I have been low and all I thought was how I wish this suffering would end. When I am traveling on the road, I wished that I would get into an accident.

It was only on Wednesday (20/4/2022) that I admitted and acknowledge to myself that I am depressed as all I thought was about wanting to give everything up and leave everything behind if only I have the guts to go through with it.

But then I thought about my growth and everything I have done to get to where I am today. I was not willing to let my efforts go to waste, so what I did was, let myself be for a while before I see how far gone I am. (My best friend told me to be salty as I want, I have the right to be salty. So I did)

Today, I had a breakthrough, I woke up feeling the same as yesterday. During my morning shower, a voice came up into my mind and I had a flashback of  me writing this down on a book “I GOT MY POWERS BACK!”

So what happen at the moment I told myself out loud “I GOT MY POWERS BACK! I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE!” and soon a gear shifted in me. I found the strength in me to stand up again, to regain control.

I am not saying everyone dealing with depression would have jumped out of the issue this quickly. But what I am trying to say.

Please remember that it is ok to feel not ok. It is ok to feel down. But never let you, the inner you condemn yourself or even give your powers away to someone else to be in control over you, you are in control of yourself and only you can control yourself no one else can.